


Weird Little Greasepit - Sophomore Year - February

by appending_fic



Series: Weird Little Greasepit - Sophomore Year [6]
Category: Buddy Thunderstruck (Cartoon), Night In The Woods (Video Game), The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Magic, Best Friends, Break Up, Fantasy Costco, Gift Giving, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Shopping Malls, Sort Of, Time Travel, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:53:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14920094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appending_fic/pseuds/appending_fic
Summary: Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and Darnell has dragged Buddy along to search for the Perfect Gift.Lucky, Garfield the Deals Warlock is here to help. Unfortunately, the quest for the Perfect Gift quickly turns into a desperate attempt to hold off a horrific future.





	Weird Little Greasepit - Sophomore Year - February

"Tell me again why we had Muncie drive us an _hour_ to Gearshaft?" Buddy was lagging behind Darnell, the muzak playing over the mall loudspeakers apparently some sort of enervating force.

"Because Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I have run inventory enough to know there is _nothing_ at Ziel’s that'd make a good Valentine's Day present for Gregg."

"Well, it _is_ a convenience store, if you need con-"

"Oh my god, _no_!" Darnell bolted to the nearest store and stared fixedly through the window rather than look directly at Buddy. Because his luck had been _terrible_ recently, the store was a Victoria's Secret. Buddy's reflection stepped up next to him, scanning the displays.

"I mean, this could be an awesome choice, too. Although...you generally do not buy stuff like this for a guy unless you are expecting to see them in it, and at that point, you'd definitely want-"

"Buddy? I love you. That is - I feel comfortable telling you that. But I'm not really comfortable talking about...that."

"Oh, I did not mean to upset you. I just, you know, I was pretty sure this was the sort of stuff bros talk about."

Darnell’s ears were pink all the way over, but he did meet Buddy's eyes through his reflection. Buddy looked a little morose, ears down, but he was smiling hesitantly at Darnell.

"I don't think…" Darnell shrugged. "You're _my_ bro, not anyone else's. I say we do what feels natural and tell anyone who thinks otherwise they can suck it."

Buddy grinned. "That is the most awesome idea you've ever had." He reached out a fist; Darnell bumped his against it. "Ka-boom!" He slung his arm around Darnell's shoulders, still grinning at their reflections. "Agreeing Victoria's Secret is a little risqué for you to give your boyfriend right now, we will scour this mall for the Perfect Gift!"

Four hours later Buddy dropped his head against a table in the food court and groaned. "One hundred stores and not one thing worth buying."

Darnell set the basket of Chariot Wheels dripping with Eternity Sauce down next to Buddy's head. Buddy's nose twitched and he raised his head slightly, peering at the donuts steaming in the basket. Darnell didn't blame Buddy's wary interest; the scent rising from the donuts was intoxicating, impossibly sweet overlaid with something indescribable. If Darnell had to give a name for it, it would be...transcendently unctuous. Or preternaturally limpid. 

Buddy took one and took a cautious bite; his eyes fluttered closed as he chewed. "That is definitely...something."

"Good?"

"I wouldn't go that far," Buddy said.

"We don't have to-" Buddy slapped away Darnell's hand when he tried to pick up the basket.

"I didn't say I wasn't going to _eat_ them. Here, try one."

Darnell tried a donut painted green and purple, drenched in the caramel-colored Eternity Sauce, finding the smell did not do the taste justice. The donut was...not good. The sweet taste lingered, coating Darnell's tongue with a viscous sensation that reminded him of dish soap. There was a bitter, nutty taste that caused a moment of panic that the donuts might contain appreciable amounts of arsenic, and a salty aftertaste that held him in the moment of eating, a promise he would remember this taste for the rest of his life.

"Woah."

"I know, right?" Buddy had eaten three more donuts while Darnell had experienced his first one. Darnell swatted away Buddy's hand, taking his second while Buddy pouted. The second donut was almost, but not entirely, unlike the first, while also providing an almost identical experience, or at least leaving Darnell with much the same daze as the first donut had. 

"Okay these are…"

"We should get the slammercakes!"

"No, I think…" Darnell struggled to form words, his mind moving sluggishly. "I do not think this is a thing I need to experience again."

"Man, your loss." Buddy scowled, suddenly. "It was a nice distraction from the fact that this mall has betrayed us. Maybe we should go back to Victoria's Secret."

" _No_." Darnell glanced around, hoping he might discover some heretofore undiscovered shop, somewhere that would have the Perfect Gift. But no miracle store presented itself.

"Well, I am going to pee, and when I return, we will figure this thing out."

"Whoo good luck." Darnell watched Buddy leave before dropping his head onto his arms, feeling morose. He was pretty sure Gregg wouldn't dump him for giving him a subpar Valentine's Day present, but he wanted to be a good boyfriend, and being forced to provide a gift from Ziel's felt like a failure. So when he caught sight of a bright, warm light, so unlike the fluorescents lighting the rest of the mall, Darnell felt an urge to investigate. What he found, tucked between a Hot Topic and Teavana, was a store lit by even light, like that of the dawn sun, was-

"Fantasy Costco?"

Darnell drifted toward the store, squinting at the vague shapes through the frosted glass. When he approached, the doors slid open, and at the glimpse of what looked like an armory for a gang of wealthy LARPers, Darnell stepped inside.

"Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true - we've got a deal for you!"

"Good afternoon!" A creature, a cat with unnaturally orange fur and an impossibly wide grin, swooped down to eye level. Something about the boundary between their flesh and the air around them made Darnell's eyes hurt. "I'm Garfield the Deals Warlock!"

Darnell took a nervous step back; his last interaction with a being who made deals was when Buddy had helped them all con the Devil out of his contract with Angus Scattergood. And he'd _seen_ that face before, scribed in a book documenting the dangers to be found in Greasepit.

"Yeah, I think I might be in the wrong place-"

"That is categorically impossible. Fantasy Costco is invisible to those who are not looking for something they might only find within the confines of this store, and inaccessible to…'lookie-loos'." This last word was said with the same venom Darnell had heard Buddy use when referring to smooth jazz, and Casey for John Philip Sousa.

"So," Garfield drawled, bouncing down so their head was a little below Darnell's, "what is it I can sell you?"

"Um...this whole 'deals' thing - can I just pay cash money?"

Garfield threw their head back, laughing. "Oh, certainly! We prefer dealing in the standard currency of Faerûn - the gold piece - but will accept local currency in its stead. I believe the current exchange rate is about $400 per gold piece."

Darnell took careful mental inventory of his savings, and when he found them lacking, put forth, "What could someone get for...one-tenth of a gold piece?"

"Oh, dear," Garfield said kindly, arm wrapping around Darnell's shoulders. "This is why I don't do much business on Earth - I only have two branches, here and in Bloomington. Although this is _one_ reason why I make deals; Fantasy Costco aspires to serve all segments of society."

"Yeah…" Darnell shrugged out of the hold. "I've had some bad experiences with a guy who makes deals."

Garfield huffed, crossing their arms. "Was he one of the 'incomprehensibly written contract' folks or 'vaguely worded agreement' folks? _Both_ of them give honest Deals Warlocks like me a bad name. I deal with small consumer goods, not weird performance-based contracts. Look, I _know_ I've got something you want, so why don't you tell me what it is, and then decide if you want to pay for it?"

It sounded innocuous, but these things usually did. "I want to be perfectly clear here. If I tell you what I want, I'm under no obligation to buy? I can walk away at any time, and you won't have a lien on my soul or anything?"

"This is an interdimensional retail outlet store. Do you know what that sort of thing would do to my Fantasy Yelp rating? _Yes_ , you can leave at any time, no obligation. Now...spill."

Darnell took a deep breath. "It's almost Valentine's Day. And Gregg deserves something _awesome_."

Garfield tapped at their chin thoughtfully. "Hm. You're what, 15? I presume you've already got them sexy lingerie-"

" _Oh my god no_!"

"Well, tell me more about them. What's their class?"

"...Lower?"

Garfield narrowed their eyes. "I met someone who pretended to be stupid like you before. Tricked me out of one of my most valuable pieces of merchandise."

Darnell glanced at the entrance to the store, unease clenching his chest. "...What happened to him?"

"Oh, went on to save all of existence from a world-consuming horror. Love the guy, went to his wedding. What - oh, you were worried? Deal-making is in my _soul_ ; I respect nothing more than a cleverly-made deal. No, there's only one thing we do not tolerate in Fantasy Costco." Garfield raised a hand, framing a sign hanging over the exit.

'Shoplifters will be persecuted to the full extent of the law.'

Darnell grinned. "You know, my boss made the same mistake on the sign in his place."

"Mistake?" Garfield raised one eyebrow. "What mistake?"

"Well, you 'prosecute' shoplifters; you don't 'persecute' them-"

" _I do_. To the furthest corners of the planes, to the ends of time, I will see anyone who steals from me regret the day they were _born_." Garfield waved to a series of photographs set against the wall next to the door. "Hence the Wall of Shame, depicting those who have earned my eternal enmity."

"O...kay."

"Anyway, let's hear some interests. Talents. Is your uh...guy? Gal? Other?"

"Guy, and...he plays the guitar?"

"A musical type!" Garfield put a hand on Darnell's shoulder and then they were staring at a rack of guitars, each more fantastical than the last. "There are instruments here that could make the gods themselves weep."

"Um...he also likes breaking and entering, petty theft-"

"Your roguish type!" Darnell didn't know what half of the tools on the next shelf did, but one _was_ labeled a 'skeleton key'.

"Look, can we slow down here? I just - I want to get him, like, the _perfect_ gift."

"Well, that's what the questions are for."

"I _know_ that, but…" Darnell waved a hand vaguely. "Anything here can _look_ like a good idea, but I can't know if it's an awesome idea or a terrible one until I give it to him."

"Hmmm." Garfield circled Darnell slowly, examining him intently. "I _have_ something that might help, but it'll put you on the hook for _two_ purchases."

"I can't afford it anyway, so go ahead."

Garfield flickered out of sight, reappearing a moment later holding a golden hourglass filled with crystalline sand. "Now this, I ran across in a dinky little plane that was not worth _anyone's_ time, and got someone to improve on the design for me. It allows you to experience up to one hour of time from the future before you are returned to the very moment from which you left."

"So I could pick a present and...see how Gregg reacts to it? Meaning _finding_ the perfect gift _is_ the perfect gift."

"Yeeeessss?"

"But, I don't need to, like, pick a present from here for it to work, right? I could figure out how he'd react to, say, the newest Call of Duty, rather than that blood-covered mace?"

"Certainly! If you're interested...we can just take care of the Hourglass of Visitation first, and then see if there's anything in here that qualifies as the Perfect Gift."

"Just out of curiosity, how much would the hourglass cost in...cash money?"

"Two hundred thousand gold pieces, so...five million, two hundred thousand dollars cash money. Wait - U.S. dollars, right?"

Darnell didn't answer. He knew sums like that _existed_ , in the same way the _moon_ existed, but had never expected being in a situation where someone would expect him to _have_ that sort of money. He might have been hyperventilating, or maybe the Eternity Sauce was catching up to him, but he definitely had no idea what was going on around him except for _five million dollars_.

"And that'd - that'd be like - my kidney?"

"Your _kidney_? That's worth like, $150,000 to the right buyer. I could slice you up and _maybe_ recoup the cost of this, but cutting up customers for parts is a _terrible_ business model. If we're talking about body parts, though, an ounce of your blood and...let's say three hairs, would do it for me."

"I don't think I'm comfortable giving you my blood." Darnell also wasn't sure about the hair; he was pretty sure people could use body parts to cast like, magic on the person the part came from, and it didn't matter if it was blood or hair or fingernail clippings. But he'd seen people negotiate in movies, so wasn't about to push too hard right off the bat.

"That's a shame; blood's basically the most valuable bodily fluid, well, magically speaking. I don't suppose I could talk you out of a finger?"

"I play the guitar. And the bass, sometimes. Also, I'm sort of attached to my fingers."

"An eye?"

"Um, no."

Garfield narrowed their eyes at Darnell. "You _do_ want to buy something, don't you?"

"I don't know! Maybe the lesson I'm supposed to take away from this is chocolates are the way to go!"

"No, no, you clearly want something from me. Let's see what's in your backpack."

Garfield dragged them to a wide table, and spread out Darnell's belongings when he dumped them out onto it. They shoved his textbooks aside and his homework, though they paused when they found his sheet music and set that in a second pile. Dumping out Darnell's wallet, Garfield stared at the picture of Buddy Darnell kept there. Buddy had invited Darnell over for New Years, so he'd begged off a night of drinking and setting fires in the woods with the guy he liked and _his_ friends. Instead Buddy and he had spent the night drinking ginger ale and watching cartoons, and at midnight, Buddy took a picture of them, him licking the side of Darnell's face because he was enthusiastically unabashed about his affection for his friends.

"Well," Garfield said appraisingly, " _This_ is something."

Darnell's chest went cold, a little shaky. "That's a...that's my picture."

"Oh, yes. It has _immense_ emotional value. Not _strictly_ fungible, but _well_ worth the value of the Hourglass of Visitation."

Darnell stared at the picture. It was - he'd told Buddy about Gregg like right before Christmas, and was still giddy, coming to terms that his bro was _okay_ with Darnell dating dudes. And it had been an _awesome_ night.

He put his hand down, almost touching it, before pulling back.

"Allow me to remind you that you are under no obligation to purchase this. You can walk away, get Gregg a card and a box of chocolates. Unless he's allergic, chocolates cannot go wrong as a present."

"No." Darnell pushed the picture to Garfield, letting out a shaky breath. "Let's do this."

Garfield's grin went _impossibly_ wide. "We have a deal!"

Garfield secreted away the photograph so fast it must have been magic, and then he handed over the hourglass. "Now, let's see what we're actually going to get your boy. Focus on a present, and then on Valentine's Day, when you give it to him, and you'll get to experience what will happen."

Darnell tried to ignore the twang in his chest, the worry that he'd made a terrible mistake, and took a deep breath.

"Let's...take a look at those guitars again."

"Excellent choice!"

It took a few minutes to examine the guitars, each of which had a note explaining the powers they possessed, beyond looking awesome. One could create its own fog effects, painted all along with clouds, which was frankly the coolest out of all of them.

"This one."

Garfield drifted close, nodding. "A fine instrument. Now let's see how that goes over."

Darnell took another deep breath, focusing on Valentine's Day; his and Gregg's plans were vague, but they were definitely meeting up - maybe after school-

Gregg looked down at the guitar, hands shaking as he took it from Darnell. "Where the _hell_ did you get something like this?"

Darnell shrugged. "I found this place in the mall-"

"And how much did it _cost_?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't _worry about it_? Babe, this is like, _hand-carved_ -" (Darnell did not mention that it was likely wherever it was made they hadn't had a machine-made option) "that's like, _thousands of dollars_!" He fell quiet, looking sidelong at Darnell. "You didn't _steal_ this, did you?"

"Are you saying you wouldn't?" Darnell knew _that_ was a low blow, already feeling pained when he said it.

Gregg growled. "I'm saying this is _too much_. I _like_ my stupid guitar, and this is - I can't have this hanging over my head all the time!"

"I wanted to get it for you! What does it matter what it cost?"

"Because it _does_!" Gregg threw his hands in the air and stormed off-

Darnell wrenched his mind back to the present. He was breathing hard, chest tight with anxiety. He hadn't had a fight with Gregg, hadn't had a _relationship_ before, but could _tell_ the one they'd been having over the guitar was a deal-breaker.

"Maybe…" Darnell said hesitantly, "something a little less expensive?"

"We have the tools for enterprising thieves over here; you _did_ say he was fond of breaking and entering."

"Yeah…" Darnel looked the shelves up and down. "I have no idea what any of these do."

"Well, there's the _boots of elvenkind_ , for moving silently, or the ever-popular _skeleton key_ , for opening any lock. There's the _cloak of etherealness_ , for those who don't want to bother with doors-"

"That one sounds good."

" _You_ know the drill."

Darnell nodded and closed his eyes. Maybe he'd take Gregg out for pizza at the new Italian place next to town hall-

"What is this?" Gregg looked up at Darnell, the folds of cloth puddled in his lap. "Pajamas?"

Darnell shook his head. "I found this place in the mall - sold all this weird shit. You can use this to walk through walls."

Gregg frowned at the cloak, pushing it around a little. "This is, um, cool."

Darnell felt a sinking feeling, a sort of dull ache - disappointment. "I'm sorry. It's stupid. I just thought you'd think it was awesome."

"It _is_ , yeah. Just not something I'm gonna get a lot of use out of."

"Really? Because you and Mae-"

"Uh, we're not a gang of _cat burglars_ , okay? We don't even steal - a lot - and nothing anyone'd really miss." Gregg's ears were drooping, and he was breathing unevenly. He looked disappointed for real - hurt. And Darnell didn't need to stick around any longer to realize he'd fucked up-

"Okay, let's try something else," Darnell snapped at Garfield.

"Maybe something in the enchanted card deck department?"

"Maybe something not magical this time." Darnell cast about for what he'd seen while Buddy and he were browsing the rest of the mall. "I _know_ he wants that new zombie video game."

" _Nobody's All Right_? Good choice."

Darnell closed his eyes. Maybe the Empty Bucket was good enough; Gregg didn't do fancy, really, and Darnell could probably find some decent wrapping paper at the dollar store-

"Oh, man! This is amazing! I was saving up so I could get this!" Gregg lunged over the table to kiss Darnell on the nose, grabbed his shirt to pull him closer and give him a lingering kiss on the lips. He was grinning when he pulled back.

Darnell wasn't certain why he did what he did next. Of course he was annoyed he clearly could have done well just falling back on video games, rather than giving up one of his most cherished possessions for this time loop crud. But there was also the thought, at the back of his head, that they were in _high school_. The chances this would last were...pretty low. But knowing that, Darnell wanted to see if there was something he could do that would leave them still together, still _happy_ , in three years-

The Empty Bucket was replaced with a wasteland, dust and rubble stretching as far as Darnell could see in any direction. The sky was red, so dark as to almost be black, the sun a gleaming white disc with a black gash - some sort of hole, Darnell thought - at its center.

"What...did you do?" Garfield appeared over Darnell's shoulder, glowering at him.

"I wanted to make sure there weren't any weird ironic consequences to my choice." Darnell turned, slowly, determining there was nothing worth noting in _any_ direction. "Given that giving Gregg a video game for Valentine's Day has apparently triggered the end times, I'm rethinking it."

"Now, I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself, but the chances your Valentine's Day Gift has _any_ effect on the timing of Armageddon is...astro _nomically_ low."

"Come on," Darnell replied. "We've got an hour, right? Let's see if anyone's alive out here."

They seemed to actually be near Greasepit, because ten minutes of walking brought them to a shallow valley that looked like the woods near the school. There were even small patches of undergrowth and bushes scattered about. There still wasn't any sign of life, until a nearby bush rustled.

"Hello?" Darnell asked, feeling a little anxious. "Is anyone there?"

"Rawrgh!" A rabid cat burst from the bushes, scrabbling at Darnell with ragged, filthy claws.

"Ah!" Darnell fell back, covering his face with his hands, expecting jaws to clamp into his flesh. When it didn't happen, he peered cautiously through his fingers. The cat was still foaming, but they were tapping at a device attached to their arm.

A robotic voice spoke from the cat's wrist. "Darnell. It is. A. Surprise to see you. I thought. You were. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead-"

Darnell sat down hard, leaning against the nearest shelf in the Fantasy Costco. "That was the most menacing use of a Speak-and-Spell I have ever heard."

"Did you _know_ that gentleman?"

Darnell scratched at his head, considering. Thinking on it, the ginger-haired cat looked _almost_ familiar, like someone he'd seen in the background somewhere. "I have no idea." He looked up at Garfield. "A part of me feels I should see if there's a future where Greasepit _hasn't_ been reduced to a smoking ruin."

"Look, Darnell, I'm going to level with you. Apocalypses are usually pretty inevitable, governed by ancient prophecies and key moments set in stone eons in the past."

"Yeah, but I've got a prescient piece of jewelry; I think I'm _obligated_ to use it to see if I can do anything to prevent the Apocalypse."

"Well, it's _your_ Hourglass of Visitation."

"Okay, maybe if I give Gregg a card instead-"

What followed was a series of grim visions, explorations of dozens of variations on a theme: a world living in the shadow of an apocalyptic disaster. In one future, the sky burned with silver flames. In another, murderous windmills walked unimpeded across the land.

In desperation, Darnell visited the future caused by him giving Gregg a bright red teddy, which was a world driven mad, the ground the consistency of pudding, air the consistency of flan, with shifting pockets of blood-filled mist. Ravens sang circus music in an eerie chorus. And the sun _blinked_ -

"This isn't getting us anywhere."

"I _did_ warn you. The end of the world is beyond the control of a mere _teenager_."

Darnell fell back, spread-eagled, on the floor of the Fantasy Costco. He considered using the Hourglass of Visitation again, but he couldn't think of any more presents, and besides, Garfield's assertion of his powerlessness was demoralizing.

Except-

"When I gave Gregg a different Valentine's Day gift, the Apocalypse was _different_. That must mean my choices _do_ have an effect on the end of the world!"

"That _may_ be the case, but you've considered almost _everything_ I _stock_ , as well as most of what you get in the rest of the mall."

Darnell took a deep breath, but his shoulders slumped as he exhaled. "There's one thing I _haven't_ tried."

For this, Darnell would probably want to get it done just after school-

"Hey, Babe." Darnell ducked the kiss, feeling a guilty weight in his stomach at Gregg's surprised expression. "Darnell? What's up?"

"Gregg, I - I don't think we should see each other anymore."

Gregg's ears drooped, the hint of his smile fading. "What? Why? I thought things were going pretty well."

"I just...I can't see you anymore."

Tears glimmered at the corners of Gregg's eyes, and unwilling to watch the fallout of this, Darnell focused on three years forward-

"Leave them alone, please!"

Darnell was standing among the ruins of a building - like the Gearshaft Mall, but...bigger. There were bodies scattered within the rubble; Darnell didn't look too closely for fear of recognizing them. In front of Darnell though, turned away from him, was Casey, a baseball bat clenched in his hands. Behind him were two still forms, a heavyset dark-furred creature and...one with sunrise-orange fur.

 _Gregg_.

Slowly, Darnell raised his gaze. Standing in front of Casey was...a nightmare.

"Go ahead and kill me, just _leave them alone_!"

"Hahahahahahahahahaha! I _told_ you _already_ , Caboose, you don't have _anything_ I want! But hey, do you want to see a neat trick?"

Darnell looked away, but wasn't quick enough to block his ears before Casey began screaming, a noise that promised to haunt him for the rest of his life-

"That was the worst one _yet_."

"Was it? What _happened_?" 

Darnell glanced at Garfield, who had seemed aware of what all of the _other_ futures had entailed. "You didn't see it?"

Garfield's face shifted into a grim expression. "No. And that _alone_ is worrying."

"It was the Devil."

Garfield spun around Darnell, frown deepening. "A demon?"

"No, like _The Devil_. Capital 'the', capital 'd'."

"Hm. The Apocalypse _is_ The Devil's bailiwick, but like I said earlier, _not_ usually something ordinary people can do anything about."

"Then why does it keep _changing_?"

Garfield dropped onto the ground next to Darnell. "I have _no_ idea. Maybe you're overthinking this."

"I'm sorry I'm taking the _end of the world_ seriously!" Darnell let his head fall to the side and threw his arm over it.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't take it _seriously_ \- just that you're thinking too hard about _how_ to do it."

"Do _you_ have any ideas?"

"No. But you didn't come in here to prevent the _Apocalypse_."

"But what's the point of getting Gregg an awesome Valentine's Day present if the world's going to end in three years no matter what I do?"

"Look, I'm a nigh-immortal emissary of a god of equivalence, so I can't _understand_ , but I have seen mortals like you stand up and fight against impossible odds, charge into certain death, because every moment of struggling against it was another moment it might all turn around. Seen mortals stand together with their loved ones, look Death in the eyes and threaten to shove a tentacle up his dick."

"Wait - what?"

"The point is - the _point is_ \- there's no difference to me between a creature living ten thousand years and living a hundred, so everything you mortals do is as _equally pointless_ as celebrating Valentines Day in the certainty the world's going to end in three years!"

Garfield flopped onto their back, breathing heavily.

Darnell let the silence hang between them for a few minutes, until the panic from his continued exposure to the aftermath of the Apocalypse eased. In the silence that followed, Darnell wondered if Garfield was right. Spending all his time trying to figure out what tiny choices might preventing the Apocalypse, instead of enjoying the time he had with his friends, seemed like the worst use of his time imaginable.

He came here for a present for Gregg, and he was going to _leave_ with one.

But he refused to give Gregg a present that led, however indirectly, to the end of the world.

Darnell rocketed to his feet. "Alright! Let's check out the rest of your inventory. Musical instruments are out. Thieving tools are out. He is not the religious type - wait. Do you have any weaponry?"

"I am a purveyor of magical items to worlds routinely beset by invasions of the undead and the machinations of evil gods."

"O...kay?"

"Of _course_ I sell weapons!"

Five minutes later, Darnell was cradling the most beautiful crossbow ever crafted by man _or_ elf in his hands. It was made of a wood that shone like bronze, carved to resemble the head of a fox with bared fangs.

"It's _beautiful_." More importantly, Darnell was certain Gregg would be so overwhelmed by the destructive capabilities of the weapon to worry about what it had cost. "What _is_ it?"

"The Infinite Kinetic Piercing Seeking Crossbow."

"I'm going to call it...the _Ghostbuster_."

Garfield raised a finger, before letting it sink back down. "That is...a reasonable appellation. But _only_ if you purchase the weapon _first_. So what are you offering me in return for it?"

Darnell held out the Hourglass of Visitation. "This."

Garfield's eyes widened as they took in the artifact. "Not many people have been willing to hand this over once they got it. And you _especially_ , I would think you would want to keep an eye on the end of the world."

Darnell took a deep breath. "You're right; worrying about what's coming isn't helpful at all. I have _amazing_ friends, though. We've already been through a lot of shit on our own _without_ a magic hourglass to show us how things could have happened differently. So I think...I'd rather rely on my friends - Buddy and Gregg and Mae and Casey and Muncie and - even Artichoke - rather than try to explore a thousand possible futures for the best one."

Garfield tilted their head, carefully. "I don't normally question the wisdom of my customers' trades, but are you _sure_ you don't want to check the outcome of giving Gregg the _Ghostbuster_?"

Darnell took a deep breath, and then shook his head. "I know Gregg's going to love this. And I know all of us are going to face the Apocalypse together, no matter what. I don't need to know anything else."

"Well, if you're _sure_..." Garfield held out a hand, which Darnell took. "We have a deal. The _Ghostbuster_ is yours, and," they snatched up the Hourglass of Visitation, "this is mine again."

"...You don't giftwrap, do you?"

"Do you know what? For _you_ , Darnell, we _do_."

Five minutes later, Darnell stepped out of the store back into the mall proper; he had a moment of panic, realizing he'd been in Fantasy Costco for over an hour, that Buddy might himself be panicking about Darnell's whereabouts. Buddy was nowhere to be seen near the food court. He took a moment to consider where he might find Buddy. The mall's security office seemed likely, if Buddy knew how to find it.

"Hey, Darnell! Are you ready for a second round?"

"What?"

Buddy wrapped a loose arm around Darnell's chest, releasing him after a quick squeeze. He was grinning, unconcerned.

"I know we did not have any luck the first time around, but now that we have an idea of what's there - what is that?" Buddy craned his head as he examined the wrapped package.

"I found a store that was selling crossbows."

Buddy's eyes lit up, ears perking up. "Did they have ninja swords?"

Darnell waved his hand at Buddy. "It's not worth it; trust me. I spent like an hour-"

"I was _not_ in the bathroom that long, Darnell. Unless there is some sort of time-dilation field in the men's restrooms."

Darnell caught Buddy's arm before he could dart back off toward the bathrooms. "There isn't. I probably could have spent all _day_ at Fantasy Costco before you got out of the bathroom."

" _Fantasy_ Costco? Did you find a little shop that will not be there tomorrow?"

"Don't know, don't care. I got Gregg this stupid magic crossbow and I am ready to go home. And if you want, we can look up the guy running the place in the book. He was _weird_ , and I'd like to be certain this won't curse my boyfriend before I give it to him."

"Oh, absolutely. I am beginning to think we should not be splitting up when we go out; I feel deprived not getting to see this Fantasy Costco."

Darnell, Buddy's arm slung around his shoulders, laughed as his bro led him toward the exit. "Trust me, you did not miss much."

\---

Garfield the Deals Warlock waved a hand at the doors to the Fantasy Costco; with a click, they fused shut so they would not open without the full might of a god more powerful than Garfield's patron behind the attempt. He dimmed the lights with a thought, and zipped to the back room, the 'Employees Only' sign more than a mere suggestion.

There he found a large armchair, stuffed, reclining, and settled down, before taking out the Hourglass of Visitation. Mortals might find unfettered access to the mysteries of the future overwhelming, but to Garfield, it was one of the tools of his trade. Lucky, then, Darnell hadn't wanted to keep it.

Three years, give or take a month. If the world ended, it would end by then, Darnell's visitations had made clear. So Garfield twisted a ring around one finger, fading from view, and focused on Darnell Fetzervalve three years hence-

And Darnell was wiping down the kitchen counter of a cramped one-bedroom apartment, frowning at a spot that looked like it had been burned with battery acid, when a knock came at the door. Darnell yelped and hurried to the door, opening it to Greggory Lee and Mae Borowski. Greggory gave a delighted cry and grabbed Darnell around the middle.

"Darnell! How _are_ you, dude?"

Darnell laughed, shaking head head as he buried it against the top of Gregg's head. "You _know_ how I am. I don't suppose _your_ life fell apart in the last twelve hours?"

"It is a delight to see you Darnell I'm getting a drink." Mae shoved past the two of them, forcing them apart as she headed to the kitchen.

Gregg threw himself onto one of the two easy chairs in the living area, the larger one next to the couch. Darnell dropped onto the couch near him, grinning at Gregg as he did so.

"Happy birthday, by the way," Gregg said, shoving a small, wrapped package into Darnell's hands.

Darnell frowned at the package. "This is Fantasy Costco wrapping paper."

Gregg raised one hand, placing the other on his heart. "I didn't spend too much, I swear."

"Only the best for his favorite ferret," Mae agreed, dropping onto the other, smaller chair. "So, what've we got planned for this shindig? I like that word: _shin_ dig."

"Honestly, not much. There's still a couple of people up in the air, but I've got video games, board games-"

"I swear to god if you have Jumanji in there I'm burning this whole fucking apartment building to the ground," Mae said.

Gregg snorted. "Why? That was the best party ever."

"Well, sure, though it was too bad you didn't get eaten by a Venus fly trap."

"Pft. Too bad you didn't get trampled by a herd of rampaging rhinos."

"Too bad _you_ didn't-"

The front door swung open to reveal Buddy Thunderstruck. "Attention everyone! The party...has started."

Darnell waved at Buddy, who stepped aside to reveal Casey, duffel bag slung over his shoulders. "Come _in_. Hey, Casey!"

"Hey, dude." Casey dropped his bag next to the door before joining Darnell on the couch. "Anyone hear from the theater nerds? Or whats-her-name?"

"Doesn't matter," Darnell drawled from the couch. "Anyone who's here is here. Who wants to play Smash Brothers?"

Smiling to himself, Garfield let go-

He was still smiling when he returned to his chair back in the present. It was bad business letting the universe kind enough to host your retail establishment to be destroyed, so it was good to know there was hope. 

\---

_Garfield_

_Calling himself the 'Deals Warlock', this extraplanar entity hails from a world where magic is more commonplace than our own, and manifests only in a strange demiplane called 'Fantasy Costco'. If you do not have a fortune in gold or precious gems to purchase his wares - and he always seems to have something in stock that you need - he will accept items of equal value._

_What 'equal' value means to him, I cannot always divine, but as he is a warlock, it is wise not to offer him any part of your body in exchange._

_Feel free to bargain to your heart's content, but **do not steal from him**. It will be the last mistake you ever make._

**Author's Note:**

> XLPGFIWRNRH ZM A XCWSJT UCK


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